30 is the new black.

Yesterday would've been my grandmother's birthday. She would've been 77. I named her "Lala" when I was little. I was the first grandchild and she was 47 when I was born. Obviously "Grandma" didn't seem to fit her. My own mother had the same issues with being potentially called "grandma". Each of them certainly don't fit the old lady baking cookies and darning socks in the corner image. She said that if I called her "Grandmother Rosemary" I'd forget what I wanted to tell her in the first place because her name was so long. Lala used to sing to me, just nonsensical melodies..."la la la la". I picked her face out of a picture and called her "Lala" and it stuck.

In Savannah GA for my 18th birthday and Lala's 65th birthday

We were birthday buddies with our birthdays within days of each other. True Aries women. I loved going through her makeup and jewelry box. She was always so put together. She had shoes to match every outfit and a drawer full of purses and clutches. She loved to shop. I still to this day make my way first to the back of stores to the discount rack like she did, looking for a good deal. I have come to love wandering fabric stores and gaze at dish sets. The knitting gene skipped my mom and has wholeheartedly invested in me. She loved Hershey's Kisses. I still have a dress she made for me when I was 14. She is still such a vivid force in my life.

This birthday is obviously a milestone. Normally birthday are just a fun excuse to indulge myself. "Age is just a number" so they say, and I believe this. Until this year. And it didn't really start to sink in until about a week ago. Like wow. I'm talking about really mulling over the big stuff. Mortality. What is my life's purpose? Am I living an authentic life? A seemingly spiritual upheaval. Up to this point I believed I'd have my life figured out by 30 and it would appear that I do. But do I? I feel more like I'm pretending to be an adult, and sometimes even not doing that well. Maybe that's what growing up is like. A series of realizations that reconfigure your relationship to the past and the future, realigning your priorities.

Tomorrow will probably be like most Mondays. A day spent with Elinor, hopefully a walk outside if it's nice. A nice dinner with Andrew at a favorite restaurant. Simple. It's not about me anymore but about everyone in my life. You make me who am I, you are my gifts.